Stay Here

wpid-20141205_170238_sun_vignette_cornered.jpgOver and over.

The track on replay in my head is “you need more education”…”go back to school”…”be something.” Figuring out what I want to be, however, is tough. I want to:

  • teach others how to identify and use native herbs for beauty and wellness
  • lead intuitive art classes
  • help people nurture their minds and their spirituality
  • help others feel beautiful
  • write. write. write. always write.

And then there is the internal dialogue of how I want to feel. I want to feel:

  • respected
  • educated
  • cultured (I know…there is a bit of snobbery in my blood)
  • open-minded
  • artistic
  • writerly (and yes, no such word, but isn’t it lovely?)
  • beautiful
  • wise
  • kind
  • welcoming

Too much to ask? Perhaps, and probably. I’m constantly on the Google lookout for graduate degrees and certificates that will help me achieve the goals in category one, and feel the essence of those things listed in category two. The test is to see whether or not the graduate or certificate program meets both categories. Most often, the program will only meet part of one category or the other.

Throw in a third category of “will my current employer pay for this graduate program?” and my wishes are even less attainable. I work in social services, but it is most definitely not my calling. It is a good job, for which I’m thankful, and my employer has been very good to me for many years now, even allowing me to maintain my work on a part-time basis during a very difficult emotional time (a.k.a nervous breakdown) last year. They’ve been very good to me at work, and they are willing to pay a good chunk of money to help me go back to school.

However, I just can’t figure out what the hell I actually want to do. And to be honest, what I’d like to do most of all is cut hair, and write my heart out on the side!! Ain’t no viable option for that, though. I don’t live anywhere near a cosmetology school, and couldn’t dedicate the significant amount of time and money to the training, even if I did.

I’m taking free courses online in art therapy techniques, and I do so love the courses. But, free training doesn’t lend much to my credibility, even though the courses are taught by a national leader in the field. I also plan on taking a lovely weekend course in 2016 in the art of SoulCollage, which allows a practitioner to lead courses which integrate art and personal, internal spiritual and therapeutic work. The practitioner leading the class need not be a licensed therapist, and this program lights me up immensely.

I don’t want to be a therapist. But I do want to be a helper. I want to help people feel better about themselves, to help them figure out what what motivates them, what moves them, what makes them feel more whole.

I think part of what makes me feel whole is the search. Although I feel a bit of angst and frustration over trying to figure out what courses to take, which avenues to pursue, the seeking and finding of wonderful classes, inspiring programs, and incredibly creative teachers just fills me which such awe. I’d take every class, if I could. I’d be a lifelong, full-time student, and I’d never, ever graduate from anything, because life would be my homeroom, and learning would be my degree. And one is never, ever finished learning.

So, where am I going with all of this? Not far. I am just here, playing, looking for yummy new experiences. I believe I am simply a perpetual seeker, one who always has at least four books on the bedside table (and the dining table, on the floor by the sofa, and on the kitchen bar) at once, one who is always suggesting books to friends, family and people in line at the grocery store (“It’s life-changing!! You’ll love it!”), and one who perhaps will never feel complete. And maybe that is what I want to teach others. Maybe the feelings of incompletion, of the not-quite-knowing, and the motivation to keep searching, really are the point in all of this. Maybe those are the driving factors that truly can help the depressed person, the lonely heart, the lost soul, to stay here.

Because really, staying here is the main thing.

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