Flow Gently

I’ve revisited my word for the year, and have decided that it’s already time for a change. A friend mentioned to me that she reevaluates her word or theme of the year at each sabbat, and I think that is a wonderful idea. So, since Imbolc, I’ve been wondering if Flame is still relevant for me, and have decided that it’s no longer the one. The first weeks of this year have been a whirlwind of excitement and change. Much needed change that I’ve been pining for for a very long time.

I worked on my natal chart, using the amazing resources on astro.com, and discovered that not a single element of my chart is related to Water. I have mostly Earth elements, some Air and Fire, but not a bit of Water. This isn’t a surprise to me. I am a Capricorn, and extraordinarily stuck in my ways, although I try very hard to be as flexible as I can (which happens to not be very good at all, lol, but at least I am trying).

So, I have decided that this year will actually be a focus on the elements. I’ve already worked with the element of Fire, via my focus on the word Flame at the very start of the year. Now, I’m moving on to the element of Water, and my theme will be Flow Gently. This will be a challenge, and a wonderful exploration of my inner self, and I am very excited to get started, and to nurture that watery part of me that seems so hidden. I’ll explore this theme as long as feels right, and at each sabbat, I will check in with myself to see if that theme is still one that is helping me grow.

I like this new way of working with the “one word” concept, and I think that the fact that I’m willing and able to change my word/theme on a random day like today fits very well with the theme of going gently with the flow.

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Incognito

Living out in the middle of nowhere is sublime. I smoke in the dark, under a great, black bowl of stars. Silence covers me like water, and I’m no longer all angles and sharpness.

There is a closet downstairs, a big stretch of a thing that extends seemingly into a hole in the ground. I can sense the coldness of the earth there, can almost smell the dirt and roots. I creep into the back, into the darkest corner, and feel myself become a fox, a creature in a den, a wild thing in its element.

I am home.

Love Notes

I am coming to know that making these lists of beloved things is a sacred act, a magical practice that feeds my soul. These are the things that soak me in happiness today…

*hearing my daughter sing when she doesn’t know I’m listening
*kids with big dreams
*my husband’s laugh at a good joke (one of the first things I fell in love with almost 12 years ago)
*pizza, in all of its delectable forms
*sweet, peaceful Saturdays
*the cold, sunny beauty of Imbolc, and all of its bright, sparkly symbolism
*natal chart studies, leading me to a deeper knowing of who I am
*home–not the place, but the feeling (and the knowing)

Yes, It’s All About Me

My blog isn’t very focused. I like to prattle on, writing about my feelings and my experiences and my tarot spreads. I rant about my depression, write poems while in the depths of despair or on the high precipice of joy (the in-betweens don’t reach me often). I write about books I have loved, and why I’ve loved them. I write about small things that make me feel happiness, and I write about really shitty things that make me feel no such happiness at all.

Basically, I write about nothing and everything, and it all centers around me. My blog is about me.

And that doesn’t bother me. Several years ago, writing about myself would have made me feel selfish, self-centered, and quite guilty. Not so, now. Now I understand that, for me, blogging is an adventure in befriending myself, in learning what makes me smile, and in having a tangible thing that reminds me who I am, so that in those dark times when I can’t remember, I have something to look back on. Something that I can scroll over and say, wow, yes, I wrote that, and I’m proud of it.

Even if it’s shit, I wrote it, and I am proud of it.

I love blogging because I can see my thoughts and ponderings written out for all the world to see (except for certain relatives…when certain relatives find my blog, I promptly transfer all of my content over to a new url, lol), as if what I have to say matters. Because what I have to say does matter, even if it only matters to me.

I have three good friends who blog, and I get so excited each time I receive an email in my inbox saying a new post has gone live. And I have many friends who I wish would write blogs, so that I could get to know them better. Blogging allows us to expose the pieces of ourselves that we so deeply want to share, if only we had the courage to do so. Blogging gives us permission to be those courageous writers who share those innermost, personal, but oh-so-important thoughts and feelings.

Blogging makes us brave, and I think that is such a beautiful thing.

Love Notes

I haven’t revisited my list of things that make me happy in quite some time. Here are a few I’ve been thinking of recently:

*my Midgie dog in adorable sweaters…

*Blythe dolls (even the fake ones…especially the fake ones. I seek no forgiveness.)

*that my husband looked over my shoulder while I wrote “I am tired and edgy and desperately want a Blythe doll” in my journal…after which he promptly went online and ordered a doll for me. My beautiful strapping manly-man, picking out a pretty doll. Swoon…

*Newman’s Own Lemonade (oh, sweet nectar)…

*long drives with my family, just to enjoy the scenery (hello, Wyoming!)…

*my daughter’s absolute passion for My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic…

*visits to Staples…

*arranging and rearranging my planner…

*arranging, rearranging, adding to, and decorating my Book of Shadows

*knowing I only have six more months to go at this job…(after being here for almost fourteen years, six months seems like nothing…most of the time)…

*ellipses…

*a new year…

Loving every bit of January, and gathering up my little love notes like kindling for a fire in my heart.

 

On Living the Suit of Cups

wpid-fb_img_1419911658126_tony_frame_cornered.jpgOhhhhh, I love New Year’s Eve! The day before a brand new start! It feels like the start of something incredibly sparkly and exciting!

2014 has been a rough year in terms of work issues and depression. Perhaps one of my worst years of depression, actually, especially with regard to how long each episode has lasted, and how it has affected my work and life, in general. In years past, I’ve been better able to compartmentalize my depression, so that it didn’t affect my job. Not so this year.

It’s also been the year of disengagement from certain integral, life-long, family relationships, relationships that have been messy and hurtful, both from my side and from theirs. For all parties, I made the choice to detach, disconnect, and well, to disown, really. It was a struggle at first, but the freedom of it, and my virtual lack of guilt (miraculous…) has been liberating. It’s been a wonderful choice for my psyche and my general well-being. Entanglements are exhausting. I’ll be having no more of them.

But the most incredible things have also happened in 2014. I found friendships and a community that I never expected to find, especially at my age (I’m middle-aged, which actually reminds me of Middle-Earth, so has a nice, solid, earthy ring to it). I’ve found my pagan community, and as far as friendship is concerned, I’ve made more true, authentic friends in 2014 than in any other year of my life. My friends have truly become my family.

I’ve spent more time in the company of my friends than in any other year before, and rather than being draining and stressful, being with these friends has been rejuvenating, fun, enlightening, healing, and joyous. I’ve had more delicious cups of coffee than any one woman should be entitled to, had more wonderful and inspiring conversations in one year than ever before, and have learned so much about openness, authenticity, acceptance, and open-mindedness from each and every one of these beautiful and unique individuals.

I’ve heard some of the sweetest words, had some of the most comforting hugs, received some of the most incredible hand-made and soul-felt gifts (see Queen Bee above? She is a small and lovely part of a gorgeous tarot cloth embroidered by one of these friends…isn’t it exquisite?!), heard, and shared, some of the most heart-warming, and heart-wrenching, personal stories, and have partaken of some of the most delectable meals around friends’ tables than any other year before.

So despite the darkness I’ve felt so often in 2014, the moments of light have been so bright and vivid and full of warmth that any moment of desperation I’ve felt has been worth it, if it meant that I had to accept the bad to claim the beautiful.

I have incredibly gifted children, a loving, creative and selfless partner, and the best, most loving and accepting group of friends of anyone I know. The gifts of 2014 have been immense, and the beauty immeasurable.

I’m so grateful to be rolling into 2015 with a heart that seems to have grown three sizes this year. It seems that the more one brings into a heart, the more it will hold. 

And my cup runneth over.

Fingers In Paint

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She started out as a blonde, but was the victim of a large green splat, so she went with the flow, and decided to go greeny-blue. Faceless right now, but because of a serendipitous mess, she’s the inspirational start of a four part series that I’ll call The Elementals. She will be called Water Woman. I am excited to be painting again!!

Last night I painted the pages below. She is finished for now, but isn’t fully complete. I’m letting her rest before I revisit her. I know that she’ll need finishing details and maybe a bit of collage work. I really want the roses in her hair to stand out more, and her facial features need softening and highlighting. She is my first two-page project in several months, and she has been very fun to work on. I had painted her eyes in at least three times, and covered them up again, and then closed eyes seemed to be peeking through the layers of cover-up paint, so I went with that, and felt like it was really the right expression for her! She reminds me of a Mother Mary sort of being, and I feel very happy when I look at her.

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And lastly for today, my nine year old daughter, and painting partner extraordinaire, painted a portrait of me, which I am in love with. Painting with her is much better than painting on my own! Closing out the year with simple tranquility and family time, and enjoying it immensely.

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