I always feel a little unsettled the day after a major holiday, even if it was wonderful. A bit drained, lazy, but also sort of lost, as if my tether has come untied, and I’m not sure what to anchor myself to next. I seem to measure my life by holidays. I think this is due primarily to my work schedule, and the fact that a major holiday generally means a paid day off. And, I usually take the day following a pagan holiday off, too, because of this drained feeling I get the day afterwards. That actually adds up to quite a bit of time off, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that I am very unhappy in my job.
I’ve worked for the same organization for nearly fourteen years, and although I’ve been able to change jobs within that organization about every three to four years, it’s never been a satisfying or fulfilling arrangement. It’s a secure job, with decent pay and great time off, benefits, and flexibility, but it’s a very exhausting place to work. Just thinking about it makes me have heart palpitations, and so on my days off, I try my damnedest to avoid the thought or topic of work.
About a year ago, I had a pretty severe “nervous breakdown” sort of episode. I basically fell apart for the first several months of this year, and have spent the majority of 2014 trying to rebuild myself. I learned that it is possible to pretend that life is ok, and to get from day to day, especially if one doesn’t think very far into the future. But, once thoughts extend out to things such as long-term goals, long-term aspirations, or the frighteningly taunting topic of dreams, pretending is no longer possible, and the reality of the situation can really bite one squarely in the ass.
I’ve been reading a book called “E-Squared,” a book about experimentations with the Law of Attraction. Each chapter of the book is basically the author’s challenge to the reader to dare the Universe/Cosmos/Mystery/Great Unknown/whatever to support you in what you need or want. The chapter that really changed things for me was a chapter about demanding (yes, actually demanding) that the Mystery show her/his/its support for you. The challenge was to demand a sign that will show you that you actually are significant in this great mess. And not just any touchy-feely, oh-how-nice sign, but an actual monumental thing that is going to literally be the thing that proves it to you. And the thing that would prove it to me, after all this pretending, would be for my significantly awesome Other to say, “Let’s get the hell out of Dodge, like you’ve wanted to do for 14 years.”
It was a long shot. An absolute improbability, because my Other is very much rooted in this place, even though he does not like it much. I have convinced him several times to move, and each time he has been on board for two or three days, or even two weeks, but he’d be full of anxiety and doubt the entire time, and then, once I was sufficiently excited about leaving, he’d change his mind, say it was all too uncertain, all too strange and new and different, and he’d put on his grown-up hat and say we’d better stay. Sometimes he’d even be the first to half-heartedly suggest a move to some new place, but I’d know he was only trying to force himself to save me somehow, because he’s known how I’ve changed these past years, how stifled and domesticated I’ve felt, and he’s truly wanted to help me feel better. Each time, I knew he didn’t really mean it. But, the stability of our life here has always won out, probably as it should, but it’s killed me a little more each time, until I came to the point where I had trained myself to stuff it down, stick it out, and say this is it. This is as good as it will ever be.
And really, truly, it is a very good life. I have wonderful friends. A pretty house, an amazing yard, which we’ve done all on our own, every plant and tree and twig and seed planted by my own fingers. But it’s never felt like this was where I was supposed to end up. And being here has felt like an ending, kind of a sputtering out, a withering away. Not a golden years type situation, but rather just a place to…well, those ellipses say it best. It would be a life that ended in ellipses…a low flame fizzling out under a cold bucket of water.
Not the passionate life of wind, wildflowers, and big skies I always dreamed of.
Settling for something is necessary sometimes, but it should only be for a while. It should only be a temporary arrangement. Settling for the rest of time is a slow, sad death. Yes, it is that quiet desperation we hear so much about.
So, back to the book. The experiment was to last 48 hours. It was about 20 minutes before my experiment was set to end, and I was thinking how stupid it all was, and how I couldn’t believe I was actually reading such a book. You know, tarot is legitimate, but the Law of Attraction? Lol. 😉 Well, my husband called right then (he was out of state on a hunting trip) to say that he was really ready to move this time, that he was applying for a transfer with his company, out of state. He basically said that he was tired of just existing.
Yes, tired of just existing. We are in our forties. No time to lose. It’s time to do what we want, where we want, and enjoy life and each other.
We should hear within the next couple of weeks if the transfer has gone through. If so, it means that I will be able to quit my job this summer. If not, he’ll put in his request at the next opportunity. It will happen eventually. We will buy an old fixer-upper of a house in a tiny little town, live totally on the cheap, hike and hunt and fish, eat all our meals home-cooked (because I won’t be exhausted and drained after a shitty day’s work), and have time to live a slow, sweet, and simple life. No more commuting, no more crowds. Clean air, bright skies, white snow, cold wind, mountains of family time, and wildflowers aplenty.
And the cards tell me it is so, and that’s assurance aplenty for me.
“And when it’s all said and done, I’ll usually find, that me and the Eagle are of the same mind.” ~Steve Earle